Hope

I feel like pieces are beginning to fall into place on this quest. Posting every day has been impossible, but I've written most days, and the days I've done neither my heart has remained on this task. I appreciate the intentionality of this journey I've chosen to take. It is beginning to reshape many of the negatives in my life into positives.
One of the biggest discoveries I am making is one of hope.  Life is hard.  Sometimes it seems so much easier to give up. But what really would come from that? I'm beginning to believe that every time there appears to be a dead end, if one looks a little more carefully they will find hidden passage. Do you remember the scene  the movie Labyrinth where the  lead character can't see the passages until she is shown? It kind of reminds me of that. It is important here to note a couple of things: 1. Keep Trying! If you give up, you'll get nowhere. Keep trusting, and keep moving. 2. If it's not working, change strategy.  Continuing the same fruitless patterns over and over lead to an infinite cycle of a whole lot of nothing.  If I want to understand what it means to be complete in Christ, just saying it won't make it happen...
And so I'm studying. I have started a devotional and a book study in addition to my regular Bible reading that are focused on this topic. I am asking wisdom and feedback from you, the readers, who may get a piece of what I am missing. For the first time ever, I am wholeheartedly seeking God and not just letting him come to me.  This is more than attending a small group or listening to a good sermon  on Sunday morning.
I want this guys, and I'm realizing that what I want I must go after. If I'm going to reach this I must change my strategy. I must allow him to shape me.  I had a discussion with my supervisor today. She asked how far I've come on my journey of self discovery relative to how far I want to go. Realizing that I never intend to stop growing I could honestly say maybe half. There is so much room left for growth, so much history and so many negative patterns to overcome: I mean these things are embedded in my brain people!  No matter how badly I want to change certain things about myself there are 32 years of nature and nurture getting in the way.
I have hope though. Hope is Christ. Hope is finding that hidden passageway that keeps you motivated. Hope is knowing it's him that shows you where it is. And because I have hope, it's all gonna be okay.

An Up and Down Easter

Up and down and all around God knows everywhere I go...
Those are the beginning lyrics to a song that was part of the curriculum in the very first Sunday School class I ever taught. It could be one of the theme songs for my life. At least my mental/emotional life. A lot of people that don't seem to have such highs and lows. They are little bit better with this whole "go with the flow" mentality. That's not me.  It's probably not ever going to be; so when Misty was lost for less than five minutes today I went from zero to sixty in no time at all. There were other things too (like the AC guy once again did not fulfill a promise). The cool thing though was that I was able to self talk myself through all of it. Even used some of the calm down techniques that I've been teaching  my 4 year olds. They work out pretty well.
It helps  to know that God is our completion, he picks us up when we are down. Fortunately nothing that happened today was so bad that it can't be remedied, and looking back it was still a pretty amazing day.
Pausing for a moment, I think now is probably the first time today on this most holy of days that I've really paused to reflect on Him and what He did for us. He died for you, for me, and for the precious family that I took so many pictures of today.  My joy is His. My heart is His what a love this is. Thank you God for this joyous time of Easter.
4.24.11

So That's Why We Have Vacations...

Recently, I began thinking on a big Easter project. As time drew closer to the celebration the bigger my plans  became... At work, people were taking days off... I have been working so hard for the last couple of months... I had a ton of errors in some of my work...people started telling me I needed time off... I realized I couldn't remember the last time I took time off... My schedule was clear for the day yesterday, and thus, I took it off.

Best decision ever!

Coupled with the fact that I don't have to teach on Sunday I am getting a legitimate vacation and starting to feel like a whole new person.  As some of you have been telling me, it seems that breaks are important.

In one day off I managed to take care of scheduling to get my home air conditioner fixed, talked to a guy about mortgage refi options (this guy is amazing! If you are buying a home, I HIGHLY recommend him.) And got my ginormous Easter project done (although there were certainly challenges there). Yesterday evening I had a date with my Mom, as she attended the Tenebrae Service with me for Good Friday. Afterwards over BTO I told her how nice it was to have family with me for an event like that- It really is nice sometimes to have family with you, no matter how many wonderful friends you have-
Right now I'm laying in Jaim'ee's bed reflecting on yesterday (above), and realizing today completely topped the wonderfullness of yesterday. Good food, family, playing frisbee, watching the boys do tricks, Cory climbing trees (see FB pictures). The evening ended outside with Jaim'ee and I on the trampoline snuggled together watching youtube videos on my phone until  it got so cold we had to come in.
These are the moments we were made to appreciate. It is not about cracked cake pops, hypervigilant dogs, imperfect paperwork, or even growing debt. It is about our time and how we've spent it. There is a time for work and for play, I get that, but in the end it really will all work out.
I'm overflowing right now, absolutely overflowing. I love you my friends.  I'm thinking of you and the many moments that life gives you. Whether peaceful or broken, joyous or solemn, embrace those moments and use them well. Have a safe and blessed Easter.

Finding Answers in Plan B

In the story of the Samaritan woman at the well when Jesus asks the woman to get him water she responds with surprise.  Jesus replies to her confusion, “If you only knew the gift God has for you and who you are speaking to, you would ask me, and I would give you living water.”

Do we sometimes miss the point when we talk to God?   This woman certainly did, yet I wonder, was there any way she could have known that he was God incarnate sitting there talking to her? 

I don’t know the answer to that question, but I do know that I do not want to miss any opportunity that may be presented to me to ask for living water.  Fortunately, this story moves in the woman’s favor.  Jesus brings what he is saying down to her level and she gets it.  Once she gets it, she tells everyone she knows.  Pre-Jesus this lady was most likely lonely, she’d been married and divorced and married and divorced again.  At the time she’s talking to Jesus she is living with a guy; something that certainly was not done in that time.  I wonder why she did that:  Was it money and security?  Was it affection?  Was it purely for survival?  Maybe she just kept falling for the wrong guy?  Regardless of why, she had some pretty broken patterns in her life, and it seems that she was looking outside of herself to find some sense of completeness. 

Since the very beginning humanity has put having our needs filled in our own way before checking to see how God would like to have it done.  Seeking the kind of love that could only come from God in the arms of another human is certainly one way we do this.  We also look to have these needs fulfilled through possession, power, status, etc. 

I don’t want this to be me.  I want to recognize God when he’s talking to me, and I want to ensure that the thing I seek most is his love.  Right now I’m sitting in my backyard, a dog snuggled up beside me, the sounds of the night all around.  I pause and look up to the Heavens attempting to find an answer.  It feels just out of reach…  Come on, just one magic answer that will make me feel complete in my entirety.  No moments of doubt, no seeking outside resources.  It’s like, Wham, Bam, Complete Sanctification Ma’am.

This method doesn’t seem to be working out so well, so I will go for plan B (B is for Bible you know):

Ephesians 3:18-19 say, “And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.  May you experience the love of Christ though it is too great to understand fully.  Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.”  (NLT, emphasis mine).

Here Paul tells us it is all about experiencing the love of God that will make us complete.  This, my friends is what I am seeking, what it means to be complete in Christ- and it is something I already have. 

(looking back to the heavens)

Why am I looking so hard to find something I already have?  Is it possible that I sometimes push away his love so I can attend to those thoughts and habits that are most familiar?  Is it that I continually allow lies to invade my heart and overpower that love?  Is it that, like the woman at the well, I just don’t get it?  I must admit, it would be pretty darn nifty to get up from this patio chair and walk away knowing that I will never doubt myself or feel lonely again.  Regardless of what has been, or what will be I have grown a little bit more tonight, sitting on my patio, reading some scripture, writing my blog.  I get it, it’s not what I’m doing, but his love that makes me complete. 

Written 4/17/11

Thankful for Friendship

Today was a really hard day.

Don’t get me wrong, it had a good beginning and an amazing end, but the part that was sandwiched in the middle:  Well, it wasn’t so great.

I can’t go into details, but I found out information about a child that completely broke my heart.  It affected me in a way that I did not expect considering the number of traumatic situations I hear of on a daily basis.  I felt myself sinking into a total mess but had to stay together because as I received the news it was time to start my parenting group.  I somehow made it through group and quickly left the building.  At that point I didn’t have to be strong anymore so, I let myself go, shrinking into a questioning, depressed, pile of messy goo. 

Two hours later I was rescued by two amazing friends.  They took me for hot wings and they made me laugh.  (No doctor could prescribe better.)  One friend stayed with me for hours, driving, talking, and listening to “good” music.  It was exactly what I needed.  (Including the point where we were pulled over by OVPD.  Let’s just say we made some memories.)

 A book study I did once on friendships spoke of how friends play different roles in our lives at different times in our lives, and of how different friends can meet different needs.  In making the decision to begin this journey and write this blog I chose 13 of you.  When I thought of who to choose it wasn’t hard.  Thirteen strong, intelligent, beautiful women: Women who at one point in my life have made an impact with your friendship, whose opinions I value.  Each of you plays a part in my life.  None of you are more important than the others.  God designed friendships this way on purpose.  You see, if any one of you could meet all of my needs all of the time then I wouldn’t need him.  Those dark hours between 7pm and 9pm today I felt completely alone, yet I never was.  He was with me.  I had to lean on him and trust in him. He held me and encouraged me that all would work out.    He kept me alone long enough to make sure I sought him first; then he brought in the reinforcements. 

Today’s incident was an obvious trigger for me.  Anyone who knows me could guess that it was the one thing that could sink me to the low level I reached.  I question the timing of such an incident- three days into my 40 day journey… This could have been the thing to make me call it quits, to quit trying.  But, like I counted yesterday as a win, so I will count today.  I hung in there, I made it through, and I will make it through the next challenge as well.

 I get how today applies to this journey of understanding completeness in him.  When I am broken, when I am lonely, when I am happy, when all laugh:  At all times I am his.  He loves his children and he cares for them blessing them with amazing relationships.

So thank you friend:

-for speaking truth even when it was painful

-for teaching me to understand my family

-for being sunshine and all that is good

-for dancing with me

-for knowing just the right time to call

-for being a shining example of God’s love

-for making a tough transition to a new place a fun adventure

-for picking me up when I had nowhere to turn

-for challenging me to grow every time we talk

-for unending goofy trips to target

-for long walks and long talks

-for loving me for my silliness

-for being the one with whom I can dance in the rain

And thank you God that you have given me these friends.  Thank you for being the ultimate friend.  I am Complete in You. 

 4.14.11 (technically written at like 1am on 4.15.11)

Confidence and A Good Day

Today was filled with reasons to be confident.

I trained at CPSA, something I do quarterly.  This is in itself should build confidence because it is a pretty cool thing.  I received many compliments from my co-workers attending the training and for the first time since beginning this training a year and a half ago my co-trainer and I received all positive evals.

We had worked super hard to make the training the best that it could be, and had just completely revamped it.  I am completely thrilled.

After training I rushed back to the office so I could catch the end of Dinosaur School, my children’s group.  The kids were so excited to see me.  (I had put subs in place due to the training).  As if that was not confidence boosting enough, a co-worker shared how one of the kids in the group is using the skills we’ve taught him to calm down at home.

Today was such a fulfilling day that I forgot to remind myself of my completeness in Christ.  It was not until I was sitting in my car absolutely exhausted from my long day that it hit me.  Out of nowhere, into my head I heard the phrase, “I am complete in Christ.”

I had almost forgot, a feeling of piece rushed over me.  I said a quick thank you and hurried home ot complete the rest of my busy day.

There were points today that pulled me down, like stumbling over unfamiliar slides at the training and the embarrassment of finding out my bra was visible through my shirt when looking a certain way.  Somehow today those things didn’t hit me quite so hard.  How cool, to have a day like that, where life just about seems handleable. 

If only they were all this easy.

Wednesday 4.13.11

I see, I see

This morning I woke up with an idea.  That's not unusual for me, I do that often.  These ideas tend to be brilliant, have the possiblity of becoming quite grandious, and usually involve saving the world.  What can I say, that's just how I roll. 

Today's idea was a little different though; it had much less to do with saving the world and a whole lot more to do with taking care of me.  Here is a little back story to help bring you to where I am:  Yesterday I went to see a podiatrist to follow up on my two week old toe injury.  (I'll spare details out of respect for the cringers).  Doctor said the toe looks amazing, but then proceded to help me out with some other toe related needs, needs that I should have taken care of, but didn't because, well I have lot's of reasons, but the reality is that I just wasn't taking care of me.  As you, the readers of this blog, are a selective audience, you may be aware that I've been having some deep rooted conversations lately.  These conversations could have been titled: "My whole life is out of control", "I don't know where my life is headed but it needs to change,"  and my most recent and favorite because I believe it is the beginning of setting me on the right path, "I am complete in Christ". 

That being said, I'll say it again, "I am complete in Christ."  Now you do it.  Amazing, right?  It's like a breath of fresh air and a smack in the face all at the same time.  This phrase came to me Sunday morning during worship service as I half gave my whole heart up to God and half sat completely in a mental puddle lamenting of what I want but can't have.  (To be half and completely in two places in one time is not possible- I realize this- however this is truly the most accurate way to describe the experience.)  I'm not sure how the phrase got there, but it stuck and hasn't left.  It is beginning to permeate my heart and is becoming what I need to crush the negative thoughts that are continually bringing me down.

So back to my big idea: At the doctor's office yesterday I was placed on a 40 day treatment plan.  That is 40 days of me intentionally taking care of me, something that I have put off for way to long.  Hmm, so what if, I make these 40 days a little bigger than that?  What if I make them really all about me?  Not about coming up with a list of ways to perfect myself, but just of each day intentionally remembering that, "I am complete in Christ" and I should take care of myself accordingly.  What an awesome idea that would be!  Forty days of me, of growing closer to Him, and of taking baby steps in my life to love a little better the one person I'm closest to: Me. 

So what do you think friends?  I need some accountability.  Like I said, this isn't going to be a bunch of goals, but I do have two: 1.) I will remind myself daily that, "I am complete in Christ", and 2.) I will write (though not necessarrilly publish due to internet access). each day of the 40 days.  Other than that, it is a mystery where the 40 days will lead me, are you in? 

Lot's of Love,

Cary